Unapologetically, Me

I am me.

I’ve been struggling with that one lately. I’m a mom. I’m a girlfriend. I’m a caretaker. I’m a teacher. But very rarely am I, me. I honestly couldn’t even tell you who that is anymore. I don’t think I’ve known who that is for awhile now. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I ever have. I have been so many things for so long, I forgot to be, well, me. I struggled with depression and self harm..heavy I know...when I was in high school. I was mainly just angry. I’ve always struggled with my anger. Even more so now. Postpartum depression isn’t just sadness. The anger is intense at times. My anger always has but worse now. For awhile I thought I was okay. And I probably was for a time. But whether it was the stress of moving states or the hormone change from pregnancy and childbirth. It’s all come flooding back like a tidal wave. And some days I feel like I’m drowning. It’s hard explaining mental illness to someone or to some people who just don’t understand. They look at my life and don't understand why or what I could possibly be sad or angry about. And your right. I should just be happy. Why can’t I just be happy? But I need you to understand something, depression has nothing to do with the things around you. It is a chemical imbalance. Did you know that globally, more than 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression. At its worst, depression can lead to suicide. Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. Suicide is the second leading cause of death in 15-29 year olds. Depression is also most common in women. Although there are known, effective treatments for mental disorders, between 76% and 85% of people in low and middle class income countries receive no treatment for their disorders. And only 36.9% of people with highly retreatable disorders recieve treatment. Whether its the feeling of shame or quilt. Or they have been told all their lifes that therapy and mental illness was for the weak minded. Coming to terms with your mental illness and realizing you need help, is actually showing strength. Do you know how hard it is to admit your struggling? To admit you need help? To fight suicidal thoughts? To fight addicition? Admiting you need help with whatever your struggling with is a major sign of strength. Because it’s like, no matter how many times I tell myself “it’s okay, calm down”. I can’t. And it’s not okay. Most days I feel good. Other days, I’m struggling. I knew motherhood would be hard and lonely. But when your family and friends are 3 and a half hours away, it becomes an ocean of loneliness. Brandon leaves the house for work at 7:30 and doesn’t come home till 5:30-6, Monday through Friday. And occasionally has jobs after work throughout the week and on the weekends. We do spend our weekends together and we go out and do things. But our relationship has most certainly changed. We are both having a hard time adjusting. For me, it’s being alone and having hardly any human reaction and for him, it’s not really being seen anymore. As much as I try, Mirabella does take up much of my time and energy. Not having family around, it’s been super hard to still focus on our relationship. Which I know they say is the most important thing to still do after having a baby. Luckily, we are both pretty smart, aware people and we have really been working through things. We know whatever happens is what is best for Mirabella in the end. I tried to not even get to much into our relationship because my relationship isn’t me. I’m having a hard time with finding me. I used to write in high school. I actually wanted to be a writer for awhile. I have three books I started when I was in high school. Then something changed. Whether I grew up or just simply changed but I stopped writing. I guess that’s why I started this blog. Of course, it was for Mirabella. But part of me wanted to write again. Wanted something that was my own. Something that was, me. Singing is the only thing that I can say is me. I really don’t think I would be here today if I weren’t able to sing. It’s something that comes so natural to me. It feels so natural and good. I used to be so shy about my singing. Brandon really helped bring me out of my shell and then once I had Mirabella. Singing to her is what makes my world go round. Her eyes light up, a smile spreads across her tiny little face. I’d do anything to see that. And if that means sing, then I’ll be damned, I’m gonna sing! It’s helped me though. Breaking out of my shell has helped me. The motivation though to keep helping yourself is the real struggle. Your depression because you don’t do anything but you can’t find the motivation to do anything because your depressed. And that’s the answer to anyone who asks “why can’t you just be happy?“ I promise you if it were that simple it would be that simple. Depression is a vicious cycle. Especially when your trying to find friends so your at least not alone but your an introvert so you don’t even know how to make friends. I was surprised with myself when I met with a mom and her daughter. I’m glad I went, we had a lot of fun! But of course the introvert I am, hasn’t set up another get together. I can promise you, I feel just as silly as you think I am. Mental illness and anxiety effects many aspects of life. Being an introvert isn’t the only reason I shy away from friends. I have my own anxiety’s that hold me back. What if they don’t like me? What if I do something weird? What if I’m too awkward?

Yes most of the time those thoughts come racing through my brain. And it really does hold me back a lot of the time. For whatever reason I’m shy when meeting new people but once you get to know me, I’m super outgoing and I like to think I’m funny. I’m also a great friend, I’ll be there to listen, and when you need someone to just be there. And even despite all those thing I know are true, my anxietys tell me otherwise. Keeping me from going out and enjoying the things I want to do. All I know is I’ve taken the step to getting better. I have the strength to get better. I wouldn’t be in therapy, bettering myself everyday if I didn’t. If your struggling with your mental health, if you feel your alone and have no one to talk too. You feel you have no one who will understand. Reach out to me. I may be going through my own struggles but that doesn’t stop me from helping others. I’m still a compassionate person and I can still help in anyway possible. Most importantly just being there. Because sometimes that’s all it really takes.

Take care of yourselfs. Have the strength to get better. And remember, it’s not a weakness.